Ouch, ouch, ouch

I haven't been able to teach at the shala for a couple of weeks. As you might have seen on some of our social media accounts, I've had a worsening of the severity of the previously mentioned back pain I've been experiencing. The day after the last moon day news went out I woke up in an awful lot of pain. In fact, I can say without a doubt that it was the worst pain I've ever experienced. I was unable to walk, stand or sit. Walking from the bedroom to the living room felt like an epic expedition, holding onto walls and door frames as I went, and I was roaring in pain as I went from a standing position to lying down on the living room floor, where all I could do to alleviate the blinding pain was to lie on my right side on a few yoga mats.

When I first experienced symptoms of a herniated disc, 8 years ago, I was told by a physio at the time that the pain I was experiencing was at about 2-out-of-10 on the scale of what was possible for that particular injury. At the time, I was walking with a limp and couldn't so much as reach for something on a high shelf without wincing or groaning in pain, so I thought he was underestimating my suffering, to be honest!  My life felt like it had changed dramatically. I wasn't able to teach for three months. I had gone from being able to touch my heels while doing a backbend (maybe that was part of the problem!) to not being able to do the first vinyasa of surya namaskara A. Surely it was more than 2-out-of-10! Now, though, I know exactly what he meant. It's hard to overestimate the pain I was in two weeks ago.

So I called my physio, Xavier (who reads this newsletter and isn't the same guy as the 2-out-of-10 guy, hi Xavier), from whom I've learned so much over the past 8 years or so. He told me that the best course of action for now, while I was really unable to stand was just to contact my GP and get some medications. Meds are your best friend for now, is what he said.

So I took the meds (difene and valium for those of you who are interested in such things) and tried to find some comfortable position in which to lie. Some friends that I was in contact with said they had been takiing valium before and that they loved the feeling of being so relaxed. I didn't like it at all, but I was taking it as a muscle relaxant, not an anxiety medicine. I know it has huge benefits for lots of people and I know it definitely helped with the muscle spasms that were part of my pain so I was happy to take it but I really didn't like how it made me feel. I'm also acutely aware of the potential side effects of both medications and withdrawal symptoms after I stop taking them. All in all, I'm not a fan, but without them, I would have been in agony, so I swallowed them down and was grateful to modern medicine.

After three days, I was able to stand again and walk, albeit very slowly and with a pronounced limp. Suzanne was teaching all of my classes and also doing loads of rehearsals and concerts, so I had to take care of both children most of the day. Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention that I tested positive for Covid the day after my really bad pain episode, so I couldn't ask anyone to come and help with the childcare! What a week!! To be honest, we just laughed because the alternative was crying (which I definitely did a bit of too).

I had to cancel a lot of concerts that I was supposed to be doing because I still can't sit down (and it's not possible to be the only person standing up in the middle of the orchestra) and I don't know when I'll manage to get back to doing that. There's a financial worry there because the covid pandemic wiped out all of our savings.

Basically, what I'm getting at with all of this is that the last two weeks have been incredibly stressful, both physically and psychologically. I'm in pain, we're low on funds, and I can't work.

So, what to do?

The answer is to follow expert advice (which, for me - and you might be surprised to hear this from a yoga teacher- means scientifically proven interventions as opposed to alternative forms of therapy) and to get my head in the right place.

How do I get my head in the right place?

Yoga, of course!

Although I can't do any of the ashtanga yoga postures (and I mean any!), I can still practice yoga while lying on the ground. I can breathe. I can practice mindfulness. I can visualise. And I can practice gratefulness or loving-kindness. I'm a beginner as a meditator (I've done a couple of courses and spent some hours on the meditation cushion, but I'm still very much a beginner), but the beautiful thing about meditation is that the benefits are so immediate.

It's interesting to note, though, that in the haze of pain, worry, stress, and probably medication, and despite practising yoga for 16 years, I didn't immediately come to the conclusion that meditation is something I should be doing straight away. In fact, it was only when I went to see my physio, Xavier, and he could see the fear and stress that this pain was causing me, that he asked me if I practised meditation. "Not really", I said, "but I should probably start again".

So I have. I'm walking the dog (slowly) and practising yoga in the form of meditation (there are thousands of resources out there). These two things are going to keep me somewhat sane over Christmas.

I'll be back teaching and playing music whenever I'm able but fundamentally, I'm taking care of myself and isn't that, after all, what we're all doing, all of the time?

As the Buddha taught us, the truth about life is that we all suffer.

The only difference in each of us at any given moment is the degree of that suffering. So sometimes, we take yoga practice as a prophylactic to stop us from suffering in the first place, and other times we take it as a remedy for the suffering that we're already experiencing.

I'm so grateful to have come into contact with yoga and to have the knowledge that yoga, in whatever form it takes, can be such a powerful tool in helping us to achieve peace, tranquillity, and equanimity in the face of this sometimes cruel world.  

I know I'll get lots of replies to this email, and thank you all in advance for your concern. It's lovely to hear from any of you.

I also know that many of you will offer to help in different ways. Please don't be offended if I refuse any help that you may offer. I'm often reminded of Sharath telling us that "the student who has two teachers ends up in the hospital, and the patient that has two doctors ends up in the morgue". I have some people I trust to take care of my body, and through hard-earned experience, I tend to avoid engaging with other forms of therapy unless I've exhausted my options within that sphere.

Apologies for the big sob story just before Christmas.

Suzanne and I wish you all the very best of times over the Christmas break. I do feel like we're all still adjusting to the big bad world since Covid became a thing. We all need a well-deserved rest. As Jerry Springer used to say, take care of yourselves... and each other.